When Will You Let Yourself Be Happy

“All his life has he looked away…to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was.” ~Yoda (The Empire Strikes Back) speaking of Luke Skywalker.

This has been my biggest issue always… looking at what’s next, what’s ahead. Even my yoga teacher said this very quote to me AFTER I finished my 500hr training almost 5 years ago. It’s once again very valid in my life.

Guess I’m a slow learner on this lesson since it keeps showing up for me over and over. Recently, my life is pretty good. Believe me that’s not me bragging, it’s me in shock!

For so many years and so much of my life there has been drama and chaos and battles and well all the things that a make a great theatrical play, but it was my reality.

Now I find myself slowing down, only saying yes to things I really want to do, cuddling more on the couch with my kids and hubby. I’m having better conversations with people in my life without taking on their problems or issues. Simple moments of real connection and routine and peace!! Like what?!? Again its shock.

I guess my mind got bored of all this peace, so it went searching for some fire, in the form of  wondering what’s next, what’s the future hold. Anytime this happens it’s a stirring pot for disaster!

Because it implies that what’s happening now is in some way not good enough… and truth is it’s great!

In every moment of mindful presence we are learning, growing, creating the human we want to be. So heck yes every moment is worth staying in…if you’re mindfully present.

I recently learned this when I was talking to my friend and I wasn’t even sure what I was trying to say, but I knew something was bothering me…
finally I blurted out, “what the heck aren’t you bored? This conversation seems to be going in circles.”
And then she said it, “ok girl let me just ask you… when will you let yourself be happy?”

Like a car screeching to a STOP! Woah.

That’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Stopping myself from enjoying my happy place. I have done so much work on myself, my relationships, my surroundings, without actually taking a moment or ten to enjoy this beautiful life I’ve been working so hard to create!

Maybe because I grew up thinking joy was fleeting, or that I didn’t deserve goodness and happiness or because I didn’t even know what that looked like, to be happy.

Maybe I had some expectation that it needed to be a big party, with a band, and cake, yet, I was praying all the while that it would come in the form of a simple, peaceful, loving life.

When I look around, I got exactly what I have been asking for, yet my expectations prevented me from actually experiencing it. And my belief system stopped me from actually enjoying it.

Do you know that I became so exhilarated one day last week, like super duper happy, a swirling of energy through my entire body came on by thoughts of things happening for me in my life. Almost instantaneously so did the thoughts of “don’t become attached to the good or the bad.” So what did I do. I got home and gathered myself in a child’s pose until the feeling subsided. Oh yes I did.  Its so crazy, I can’t even believe I’m sharing this.

I believed that in order to have actual peace you needed to be balanced at all times, don’t get too wrapped up in excitement or the sadness, acknowledge what emotion comes up without attachment. My mind was using the things I’d read in my yogic studies against me.

Forsaking attachment is fine, it definitely has a place for the obsessor in me, but who am I trying to be?!? Not some sage in the mountains, I’m human and emotions is what I’m here to feel! I fizzled this fire of happiness twice, yes twice, last week. Then this week I’m wondering what is happening with me?!?

So when will I allow myself to be happy??
Now! It’s time to stay here. I used to say I have to stand in my own shit... and now I will say it’s time to stand in my own garden, to smell the roses I’ve worked so hard to plant and bloom (oh is this what that means!)

Only you know the work you put into your life. You can keep creating and building and being, don’t forget to take a moment or twenty to actually appreciate and be happy.

When will you let yourself be happy?

September 18th, 2018 Uncategorized