Let Me Be Real

A friend recently said to me, “you’re in a really good place. I can tell.”

Truth is, yes I am. Now. I couldn’t have even imagined this good place in the past.  I have been in a very very bad place, and its taken me a whole heck of a lot to get here. Want to know what my days used to be like, here’s the truth:

There are days I think I’m ugly.
There are days I don’t like myself.
There are days I’m a moody ass cow, for no reason. Most days I question my sanity especially at the decision to get married, to have kids, to become a PT, who’s life plan was I on?

There’s days I don’t get out of bed. I drop my kids to school in my PJs, then go back to bed until it’s time to get them. Yes, that means there are days I haven’t showered or eaten anything.

There are days I question if I’ve brushed my teeth and it’s 6pm. There are days my kids have watched television for 2 hours after school because well that’s how it was that day.

There are days I’ve wished my life away. There are days I’ve prayed literally prayed to be left alone, yet alone is the only place I am frightened to see in my future.

There are days I do nothing, think nothing, eat nothing, be nothing, sloth and shame fill me up. There are days I can’t even stand myself and I’ll fill my belly with junk just to prove me right. There are days I’ve worn the same clothes for 3 days straight (I guess I still do that but it’s not because of my depression ha!🤣).

There are days I cry in the bathroom sitting next to the toilet. There have been times I’ve cried in the car going to meet a friend and pretended I was extremely happy once I got there… seriously she had no idea (why am I not an actress??)

There are days I’ve pretended my life is so perfect that no one would believe I had just screamed at my children and given my husband a death sentence.

I’ve spent an entire lifetime blaming others for my own short comings. My own inability to see the truth, to be honest about my feelings. A lifetime not being able to forgive my own self, not being kind to my own body, mind, spirit. Self-love was a far away place accessible only outside of me.

I’ve put so much pressure, expectations and doubts on myself that all I’ve done is kept myself confused and stagnant. Immobile.

It’s a sad sad life we create blaming others for shit we aren’t ready to see in ourselves.

I am the first to admit I was a mess. I’ve been even worse and it’s taken me a lot of time, therapy, yoga, workshops, books, growth and a consistent, determined practice to get to where I am now… The Master of Myself.

But don’t get it twisted, I’ve left a trail of a whole bunch of crazy crumbs to get here and until I burn that path I will always have a inclination to follow it back home because that is where home was, comfortable, depressed and full of denial and anger. I’m not saying I won’t express those things ever again. I’m just saying I’ve worked damn hard to create a life that I want to jump out of bed for!

I’ve so self-validated me through this journey that even the disagreements, debates, mad-dashes, rejections, they have become fun!

Because it’s a step to move me forward to remind me of the lessons I still need to learn instead of the past that no longer controls me.

Life has become fun, now if that ain’t crazy!!
But you know what they say…
I guess you can take a girl out of the crazy, but you can’t take the crazy out of the girl!

I wish someone would have told me this instead, “To love oneself is the beginning of a life long romance.” ~Oscar Wilde

It had to be done. Because if not me then who? If not now then when?

May 30th, 2018 Uncategorized