Its scary when I sit down to think about it, how much of my life revolved around fears, expectations, guilt and what others thought of me.
I spent my days on the corner of living-for-others and doubt. Doubting what I had to say was important. Doubting I could make a difference. I finally looked in the mirror one day and realized I was a robot! No fun, no emotion, no ME to be found anywhere! Living in mom, wife, daughter, sister –isms: perfectionism, optimism, never-stir-the-pot-ism, always-please-ism.
This had to stop and I had to get MY-SELF back! I missed Me. The Me that laughs at my own jokes. The Me who wears her heart on her sleeve. The Me that is just as much free and fabulous as I am bitchy and bossy. The Me that likes to have honest conversations!
I BELIEVE! I believe I can be that girl again. I believe I will make a difference in the world. I believe what I say is what I mean. These two words completely transformed my life and give me faith to keep going. And in doing so I’m paving the way for others, more importantly, for my own girls!
Its no surprise that my baby girl who is 4 is a wild child! I actually do love it! Yes, there are moments when she is pulling me in my 4 inch heels with a sari on, or when she’s trying to sit on my head after I’ve just made myself presentable, or when she’s screaming (her version of talking) in a quiet plane ride with only 40 people…she can seem a little overwhelming.
Especially when people are constantly coming up to you at family events saying, “your younger one is crazy, she’s tough and the older one is so nice.” I want to say walk away before I puke on you. Instead I smile and say, “well that’s why she’s my daughter and not someone else’s (raising an eyebrow)!” …For me that’s a pretty damn good answer, normally I would have smiled and moved on feeling embarrassed and wanting my daughter to act “normal” for just a couple hours.
Instead I smile knowing she’s my daughter for a reason! I’ve always believed she was special, in a way that only I can understand. Recognizing that all that “craziness” is really just bottled up love! She loves that hard! GO HARD or Go Home, I guess!
When I recognized this about her, it helped me to keep moving forward confidently as her momma. I believed that if I speak to her with the same logic and respect I show others it’ll sink in…eventually. Our conversations usually go like this:
Me: “Naya, if I was jumping on you and pushing and pulling you, would you like it?”
Me: “Then treat others the way you want to be treated. Use your words or hugs and kisses. You don’t need to be rough. Who is Naya?”
Naya: “Naya is nice to people. Naya is fun. Naya kisses and hugs people. But Momma, I just feel like to be rough sometimes.”
Me: Still reasoning. “Well I think if Naya is kind and gentle and if she showed people her love by hugging and kissing and tickling, she wouldn’t want to be rough.”
She listens, takes a few breaths and then usually goes back to being a monkey.
And then the most amazing thing happened. Last night around 9pm in the carride home from the airport, “Dark Horse” by Katy Perry came on the radio and baby girl says, “turn it up please.”
Because the signal to the radio station was muffled, I plugged in my phone to play the song, she says, “momma can you play Wahe Guru” (version by Niranjan Kaur, a song we chant together sometimes). Shocked I said you don’t want to listen to Katy Perry. AND THIS IS WHERE SHE SHOCKED ME, “No, wahe guru helps me not be rough, it calms me…”
…….YES STILL SHOCKED! My husband and I sat in silence, finally speaking to say, “that’s powerful!”
WOAH! All because I believe! I believe in her. I believe in Me. I believe in miracles! Its that simple? I believe!
It sounds too good to be true…well I challenge you. Try it. Say it, believe it, and live it! The really crazy, mind-blowing thing about it, is if you say it and believe it, you will find a way to make it happen. And along the way we allow others to show us their own light.
Our Universe is built to answer our beliefs. We have to believe. If more people believed then imagine the endless possibilities!
May 27th, 2014 Clear Mind